BROS

Saturday, October 2, 2010

THE ADVENTURES OF JIMMY NIKOLA: 2ND GENUFLECTION

WINNING CHOICE:
[X]MASTURBATE

"Eh, forget these idorts and their stupid thread. I'VE  got more important things to do!"

With that, you drop your pants.

"Now then, shall it be Kawaii Maidos, Tentacle Triumph, or Champions of Chikan?"

[]Kawaii Maidos
[]Tentacle Triumph
[]Yeah, actually we're not doing this

You just decide on Tentacle Triumph.

You browse into your porn folder, start the video, and begin pumping the relief well. You like to refer to your masturbation sessions with references to contemporary events. It makes you feel clever.

"UNYAA! I POOP FROM THERE!" cries Tits McSugoi, the main character.

"NOT RIGHT NOW YOU DONT" bellows  UR' SHAMALAMADINGDONG, the tentacle monster from between the stars. Specifically, between the stars Betelgeuse and Antares. It's a pretty big neighborhood.

The moans and simultaneously disturbing and erotic slurping sounds ring in your expensive headphones, effectively drowning out the thumping on your door.

"I'm coming! aaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH" McSugoi moan/roars.

You are about to come as well, when you glance to your right and see a DEAD ZOMBIE in your doorway.


Friday, October 1, 2010

THE ADVENTURES OF JIMMY NIKOLA: 1ST GENUFLECTION

You wake up.

The sun shines through the window, despite your best efforts to close off its terrible rays with all manner of construction paper and tin foil. You moan and toss a nearby GENUINE JAPANESE SHURIKEN at the offending beams, managing to do nothing but decapitate your beloved MOE x HEART figurine, Maido Misako. She is a maid, and she is completely kawaii. In case you didn't gather, you're a bit of a shut-in.

Your name is Jimmy Nikola.

An hour or so passes, and you eventually change your SLUMBERTAG status from DOZING to FRUITFULLY AWAKE. You roll out of bed and flop onto the ground, where you reach under your bed and grab your trademark duster. Nothing makes you feel more rad than looking like a cowboy, even if all you're doing is browsing F.O.R.T.U.N.E.  F.O.R.T.U.N.E. is a rather notorious imageboard which you frequent.  You feel at home there. Much more than out in public. Society doesn't seem to give a damn about you, so you don't give a damn about society.

"Hakuna Matata, motherfucker." You say to your reflection, who stares at you with scraggly chin-hair, a somewhat limp figure, a duster, cowboy hat and boxers. The ensemble is patently ridiculous. You sigh out of poor self-image and walk to the kitchen.

As you grab yourself a "HIKKI-COOK-MOR-E" instant microwave "food product" (Meat flavored) and a PINA COLACOLYPSE alcholinated beverage, your thoughts don't delve much deeper than wondering what is happening online, and debating whether to masturbate. You finish cooking what is ostensibly food and head to your computer, paying no heed to the screams and gunfire outside your house. You have long since learned to ignore the outside world.

It is kind of ironic, then, that you are the True and Chosen Savior of the World.


NUCLEAR LAUNCH DETECTED

I'll have the aforementioned adventure blog post up in a bit. I am distracted currently with very important things, which are very not League of Legends. How dare you accuse me of such thing. I am offended to the maxxx.

THE ADVENTURES OF JIMMY NIKOLA - PREAMBLE

I decided that, among other things, I'm gonna be doing a bit of a choose-your-own-adventure type deal on this blog. You see the poll to the right, the one about zombies and whatnot. Once I get started, I will have a poll on what to do next for each given part of the story.


With any luck, I should be able to post the first part of the adventures of Jimmy Nikola tonight. I'll end the current poll a bit preemptively, then. I don't expect it to be that big of a deal, it's only mildly amusing anyhow.

So, maybe expect a proper post from me tonight, but definitely expect some ADVENTURAN.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

IT'S LIKE I'M REALLY SOME SORT OF VOYEURISTIC GOD.


Anybody here remember the Bonzi Buddy? You know, that crazy-looking child-molester ape that would sit on your windows and stare at you with dead, dead eyes while it downloaded spyware so ancient that it required you to download actual little men with false mustaches and vaguely european accents into your computer? That guy?
This Motherfucker right here.

Don't you yearn for those days when you could dick around with a purple ape and not have it be some sort of weird fetish/lifestlye? You DO? What the hell is wrong with you? Bonzi Buddy sucked ass.

In any case, now you can have all of the joy of a desktop pet with none of the hassle of digitally feeding it, washing it, defragmenting it, or cleaning up it's e-leavings. Hell, you can even pick them up with your mouse and throw them around, ASPCA be damned!


I am talking about these rad little things called Shimeji. It's made in Japan, so you know it's going to be an excellently redundant and largely useless invention. These little guys walk around your desktop, climb up the sides of your monitor/firefox windows, and split into multiple copies of themselves like fucking gremlins. They also crawl, sit, do other stuff, and GRAB YOUR FUCKING WINDOWS WHILE YOU ARE DOING IMPORTANT STUFF, GOD DAMN IT, GET BACK HERE WITH MY VIDEYA GAEMS, YOU TROLL.

But, seeing is believing, or so atheists say, so have a looksie.



MOTHER OF GOD.

I may have gone a bit overboard for this picture, since they can get a bit resource-intensive (Normally, they will have more copies than shown here, but I wanted to snap the picture before they realized their advantage). However, running three of these little dudes at once shouldn't tax any decent system at all, and they provide hours of entertainment. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LEAVE IT RUNNING OVERNIGHT. THEY WILL DISCOVER DEMOCRACY AND OVERTHROW YOU.


You can find the original here.

Here is a pack of a shitload of different Shimeji, for your viewing pleasure.
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=B8CMJTXP

I have to cut this post short, they're acting up a bit.

Oh shit, son.

Okay, so I might be slowpokin' it up like a true boss here, but on the off-chance you have not yet seen this video, you must see this video presently. It is well worth the 5 minutes you would have otherwise spent looking at pictures of cats and/or (hopefully or) masturbating.




The sheer amount of songs included in that song boggles and scrabbles the mind. It is truly an inspirations. So yeah, I guess this isn't really a proper blog post, but I should have something worked up later on today. For now, just enjoy this righteous film video. Rock on, true believers.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

RIP AND TEAR

So, I've been trying to work out recently. It's part of my whole goal to lose weight and become (more) incredible. I've been doing DDR in the mornings for a bit of cardio, then fencing on Mondays and Wednesdays, and now I've started this Couch to 5K Running program. I've only done it once so far, going to do it again tomorrow. It's actually a bit harder than it sounds, OTL.

I've also been trying to lift weights, but that's a bit of a conundrum because most lifting programs recommend increasing the weight on your barbell by 2.5% every week. This would not be a problem if not for the fact that I A) Do not have a barbell, and only have dumbells, and B) Only have two (2) dumbbells of 15 pounds each. I recall one of my mother's old workout tapes from the 80s recommended using cans if you didn't have dumbbells, for their jazzercise strength-training segments.

I may have stumbled upon a solution.






Brilliant, I know. This isn't Chunky soup, but I bet Donovan McNabb's mom would approve of using hearty soups to build a strong body.

Actually, those soups aren't even that hearty. Those are the "80 calorie a serving" soups I bought on a whim months ago and have never eaten because I am almost certain they will taste horrid. This is a much better use for them. Yuki agrees.

Time to become HUGE.

If any theoretical person was wondering, this is the program I have decided on for now:

http://www.weight-lifting-guide.com/dumbbell-routine.html

I can do that for a few weeks, at least until I find a place that sells larger cans of soup.

ZERO HOUR

Well, I've started a blog. Fan-tastic. I can't wait to write emo poetry all day and be a worthless pile of long hair. That is what blogs are for, right? Or actually, I suppose I should try to swing people to my extremely correct and very important political leanings. I feel very strongly about the state of our sheep stocks, and I'll be damned if I'm going to allow anybody to go about their lives peacefully while I continue to talk about this heinous issue.

So, yeah. I have a blog now.  Let's see what I can do with it.