BROS

Thursday, October 28, 2010

THE ADVENTURES OF JIMMY NIKOLA: GENUFLECTION THE 15TH - PART 2

YOU ARE NOW MAJOR TOM!

You duck back around the corner as the Grappler's claws streak past your head. After setting up the markers around town, you made haste to Mustang Arms, the apartment buildings where the distress call had originated. Making your way up to the second floor, you didn't get much farther than the first corner, before being pinned down by enemy fire.

Arms fire. The grappler launches its claws again, striking the corner in front of you. The claws tear into the wall, gouging deep grooves into it before releasing it and retracting once more.

"Come on, you Stretch Armstrong piece of shit. Hit me!"

The claws fire once more, and as soon as they rocket past you,  you reach out and yank the arms towards you. The appendages go slack as the zombie is yanked off his feet. Spinning into the hall, you hold the arms down with your boot and shoulder your triple-enhanced rifle: VARIA DELUXE. A flick of your finger switches the knob from "SPRAY N PRAY" to "ULTRA DELUXE." You like to be flashy every now and then, and since this joker had kept you pinned in that corner for almost a minute, he deserves a bit of glamorous retribution.

You line up the sights and squeeze the trigger.

"Game over, Slim."



Your rifle reports, sending a small-caliber round into the front of the zombie's skull, where it tears through the soft neural tissue before bouncing off the back of the skull. Rather unimpressive. However, once this bullet is embedded into the target, it opens a tiny portal. A portal no larger than a nickel. This diminutive portal remains open for only 2 seconds.

The portal opens to the heart of Eta Carinae, one of the hottest stars in the known universe.

You shield your eyes as the zombie explodes in a highly pressurized stream of helium plasma. When you look once more, the zombie is completely gone, as is the entire back wall, and most of the rest of the apartment building around the zombie. You grin a smile and continue on to 201, the apartment the call came from. 

You puzzle at the numbering conventions a bit, since the first floor only had 5 apartments. You don't give it too much thought, since you find the door is no longer a door, but ajar. More specifically, the door is a useless pile of tinder on the ground. You draw your weapon and enter.


YOU ARE NOW THE POKEMON MASTER!

You sneak around the graveyard a bit, trying to find out more from the soldiers, as you play your videya gaems. 

"Markers set."

"Already? Damn, the guy works fast. Good thing though, I'm tired of dealing with this shit. I just want to get out of here and let them fucking deal with these walking maggot farms the proper way."

"Major's gonna be back soon. Time to start Removal."

"Right on."

Oh, sweet! Finally, you're getting out of this hellhole! You save your pokeymans and switch to the DSi Web Browser, to tell everyone on F.O.R.T.U.N.E. You type your comment in letter by letter as you run to tell the good news to everyone else, and it's because of this that you trip over a fallen headstone and roll into the drainage ditch. 

"Oh, man! Gross!" Mud covers the entire front of your clothes, and is smeared on your face, as well. You managed to hold your DSi up while you fell, so at least that is still working. Your arm squishes into the mud as you lift yourself up. Suddenly, pain rips through your head. What happened? You turn to look up, and find some exposed bottoms of the fence. It seems the ground has worn away here. Probably an escape/entrance route for troublemakers. By some stroke of luck, the zombies haven't discovered it yet. You had better tell someone about it.

You sit up and pull yourself out of the ditch, in time to witness a massacre. Guns have been going off and people have been screaming for the entire day, so you didn't pay it much mind when the two began to occur with higher frequency, but it's clear to you now that there was a certain amount of cause and effect there. 
Cause: The military is murdering everyone in the graveyard.
Effect: People being killed.
"How can they kill those people? People die when they are killed!" You glance over at a zombie as you say this. "Piss off."

A soldier spots you, and fires off a few shots. They strike the dirt in front of you, spraying your face with dead grass and dust. You fall back into the ditch as fast as you can, and scramble for the hole under the fence. A shadow crosses over you, the soldier is upon you. You hear a clip load into the bullet-hole of the bullet-shooter, and he brings it to bear on you. You close your eyes and brace for the world to end, and to your surprise, it does.  The air around you is suddenly a maelstrom of flying mud, bodies, and metal. The very fence has been uprooted above you, slamming into the soldier and making a (literal) bloody mess of him. You star in horror at the culprit. It's massive. Too huge. Nightmarish. You would think of better adjectives, but you didn't pay attention in English class. 

Above you, holding the fence in what can be called a hand, is a hulking zombie. Made of many zombies. It stands about 20 feet tall, with a shoulder width of about 25 feet. Zombies swarm on its surface, and as it reaches for something, dozens of grimy hands claw out, each searching for something to grab onto. Still with horror, you watch as the monstrosity picks up a soldier. The zombies composing the hands tear him to pieces in their frenzy. What's left of the corpse is thrown into the mouth of the megabeast. 

The giant lumbers into the graveyard, attacking the soldiers and sowing chaos. Laughter resounds over the screams, resonating from a man riding on top of the giant. A man in a long black coat, cackling with glee as the graveyard is overrun.

You make like a leaf and get the fuck out of dodge.

YOU ARE NOW THE LITTLE GIRL!

You are stuck. 
You don't know where your life is going. Your parents keep trying to get you to go out, meet a nice guy, maybe a nice girl? They don't judge, they're just worried about you, sweetie. You explain that you're just not really into dating, and you would rather watch your animus, but they just don't understand. You haven't been out of the house in weeks, and it feels like every day, you keep sinking a little bit further.

Besides that, you are stuck in a literal sense. That air duct turned out to be smaller than you had anticipated. It's actually kind of embarrassing. You suppose in a morbid way it is good that only zombies are around, so at least nobody will laugh at you. You try wriggling out again. No dice. You're definitely in a tough spot. You had even tried to slip back out, losing your shirt as a method of leverage, but all that resulted in is you being stuck with your shirt pulled up over your head. You've already knocked over the chair you used to get up here, and now you're just kind of halfway inside an air vent. Some solid snake. Hell, even Raiden could do better than that.

You stop struggling and wonder how long it will take for you to suffocate in here. Since it's an air duct, probably a long time. You die of thirst in 6 days, right? 6 days is going to take forever. Odds are, a zombie will find you before that. Ugh. That's not a way to die you look forwards to.

As if on cue, your door slams open. You gasp and hold perfectly still. Maybe the zombie won't notice you if you're really quiet. You hold your breath for as long as you can, waiting. Nothing happens. Maybe... it worked? As soon as you think that, a pair of arms grabs your legs.

"NO, DON'T EAT ME! I DON'T TASTE GOOD! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

You kick out at your assailant, and land a glancing blow to what feels like a head.

"Ow, you daft bitch!"

The arms grab you again, this time around your waist, and with a mighty heave, yank you out of the duct. You are thrown onto your bed, coming face to face with a rather angry soldier, complete with black eye.

"What the fuck, kid?" He asks.

To be concluded...

9 comments:

  1. great update, awaiting the rest.

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  2. Geez, long posts. Can't wait for the vote xD

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  3. I lol'd at the use of "people die if they are killed". Great shout-out there. Can't wait for more!

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  4. lots of text but lots of good. haha thanks for the post

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  5. LoL man, great reading here.
    I'm a Pokemanz mazter too :D
    Good blog.

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  6. Perhaps a Japanese tea ceremony?

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