BROS

Friday, October 1, 2010

THE ADVENTURES OF JIMMY NIKOLA: 1ST GENUFLECTION

You wake up.

The sun shines through the window, despite your best efforts to close off its terrible rays with all manner of construction paper and tin foil. You moan and toss a nearby GENUINE JAPANESE SHURIKEN at the offending beams, managing to do nothing but decapitate your beloved MOE x HEART figurine, Maido Misako. She is a maid, and she is completely kawaii. In case you didn't gather, you're a bit of a shut-in.

Your name is Jimmy Nikola.

An hour or so passes, and you eventually change your SLUMBERTAG status from DOZING to FRUITFULLY AWAKE. You roll out of bed and flop onto the ground, where you reach under your bed and grab your trademark duster. Nothing makes you feel more rad than looking like a cowboy, even if all you're doing is browsing F.O.R.T.U.N.E.  F.O.R.T.U.N.E. is a rather notorious imageboard which you frequent.  You feel at home there. Much more than out in public. Society doesn't seem to give a damn about you, so you don't give a damn about society.

"Hakuna Matata, motherfucker." You say to your reflection, who stares at you with scraggly chin-hair, a somewhat limp figure, a duster, cowboy hat and boxers. The ensemble is patently ridiculous. You sigh out of poor self-image and walk to the kitchen.

As you grab yourself a "HIKKI-COOK-MOR-E" instant microwave "food product" (Meat flavored) and a PINA COLACOLYPSE alcholinated beverage, your thoughts don't delve much deeper than wondering what is happening online, and debating whether to masturbate. You finish cooking what is ostensibly food and head to your computer, paying no heed to the screams and gunfire outside your house. You have long since learned to ignore the outside world.

It is kind of ironic, then, that you are the True and Chosen Savior of the World.




You head onto the "{x} - GOASTS" board, looking for a thread about your favorite paranormal happening, Treedogs. You thought you saw a treedog once, but it turned out to just be an apple. Strangely, the board is filled instead with all sorts of posts written very hastily, as if in a state of disbelieving panic.

You pick one post out and read it. It says:

" 1 - ZOMBIES! Holy shit guys, is anyone else in Denver? Are you fucking seeing this? I want to get out of here, but I'm too scared ;_;. Help me, what should I do?"

The rest of the thread continues:

" 2 - Dude, you have to hit them in the head. I can't tell you much more, I'm on my laptop, I just stopped for a second to see if the internet is still working. I gotta go."

"3 - HELP ME, I'M IN MY HOUSE. 126 WEST PINE STREET. HELP ME. I DON'T WANT TO DIE."

"4 - Did anybody else hear the explosion earlier today? I think it was around 8? Was that the gas refinery?"

"5 - >>1-4 
>Implying Zombies are real"

"6 - >>5
>Implying you watch the news at all."

"7 - >>5-6
>Implying that >Implying is something meaningful to be doing at a time like this."

"8 - WATCH OUT FOR THE BLUE ONES."

"9 - WANT A BIGGER PENIS IN 27 DAYS? FUCK YOU, BUY THESE PILLS AND GET HOT HORSE SEX FOR $10,000 FREE MONEY WORTH OF NIGERIAN PRINCES."

You shrug.

"One of these threads, huh? These things are usually fun. I'll play along."

You take a second to glance at your window nervously. You live in Denver. It's a major city, so the odds of it being picked at random are pretty good, but still...

You glance at the computer screen.

"What should I do?"

CHECK THE POLL TO THE RIGHT TO POST WHAT JIMMY SHOULD DO NEXT.
CHOICES ALSO DISPLAYED BELOW FOR ARCHIVAL PURPOSES.

[] Play along with the thread.
[] Look out your window.
[] Go turn on the news.
[] Masturbate
[] Genuflect 

5 comments:

  1. I choose masturbate. If I'm going to think logically I need to be relaxed.

    ReplyDelete
  2. interesting blog here, followed you (:

    ReplyDelete
  3. [] Play along with the thread.
    [] Look out your window.
    [] Go turn on the news.
    [x] Masturbate
    [] Genuflect

    i choose fap because that is usually where my mind goes during a crisis situation

    ReplyDelete
  4. I like the mix of humor in this. Why did I lol at F.O.R.T.U.N.E.?

    ReplyDelete